from the archives: HERMAN STRIKES BACK

I was going to make fun of old posts from my old blog, but seeing as it took me half an hour to find the archive file of all the posts, I won’t be doing that today. Instead, I’ll be cleaning out my old flash drive of all the bad memories and nightmares that I concocted in elementary school.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a tree. Her name was Avlia.

Already at the first line, and I can tell that this is going to be a stellar story.

She was very well at cracking open walnuts for the squirrels.

Absolutely… wonderful… completely…

One day, a squirrel known as Herman fell in love with this girl.

Herman knew all kinds of magic, so he consulted his textbooks on how to turn a human into an animal.

“What kinds of magic?” G screamed into the void, desperate for something to mess up the Mary Sue she accidentally unleashed out into the world. Anything to stop the monster.

“ALL KINDS,” the void screamed back, for it had a hearing issue and didn’t like to be woken up at three in the morning.

After he found the page that mentioned squirrels, Herman hid the text book and went to Avlia.

Where did he hide the textbook? Why did he hide the textbook? Can you give us some details, G? Also, I know that the readers can’t see it, but can you at least try to put in some paragraph breaks?

“Oh, my fair Avlia, I love you, but I’m afraid that you aren’t safe. Could you please turn around?”

Maybe she would be more trusting if you… you know… explained why she was in trouble.

Herman said while he pulled out his ‘wand’.

Avlia turned around, and to her surprise, he was yelling ‘imperio’

I can smell a copyright case in the works. Please don’t sue me. I spent all my money on the 3DS I’m getting for Christmas and now I’m broke.

and other nonsense words like that. She suddenly found she had a shrinking, prickly feeling.

Herman was curious, so he looked over his shoulder, and he saw another squirrel.

Well, at least now I don’t have to pull out the deep web’s collection of furry jokes… thank Fosaĵo.

“What have you done?” asked Avlia, for Herman had turned her into a squirrel.

Thank you, Captain G. Obvious. We too have the powers of inference.

“Now I shall be whisked away to the ends of the earth by another sorcerer who is in love with me.” And indeed he was in love with her, for a tall man in a robe was suddenly standing by Herman.

They dueled all day, but Herman lost.

Much description. So beautiful.

G, what have you done? You’ve made me invoke old 2011 memes. You’ve o̲͙͉p҉͈̰͉͉̣e̛͎͇ǹ̙͔̟͓ͅe͏͍̫͙ḑ̯̮ a̷͘҉̪̰ ̷̵͚̥̦́r͈̮̙̦̳̦i̤͝f̙̩̦̲͙̜̯͟ṱ̢̼̕ ̧̬͚̹̦̝͘͞i̵̪̥͘͢ͅn̦̮̺̩̣ ̼̱s̨̠̣̯̦̕͘p͏̛̳͍̻͙̫̥̙͍a͕̫̘c̮̭̗̬͓e̛͙̫̦͖͘ a̢͍̳̜̭͓̪͔̖͚̭̜̭̠͖͖͈͜n̳͙̟̫̬͔̳͉̺͘͜d҉̶͉̠̻ͅ ̴̛͎̳̟̗̻̟͍̼̻̝̘̫͔͔͢͢t̯̺͚̜̺͜͝i̷̠̥̗̩̙̥̦͈̜͈̖̟̫̤̩̥̼̣͜͜͞͝ͅm̷̧̯̮͎̻̣͖̼̮̙̦̭̲̯̣̤̹͉͎͠͝ẹ̬͍̩͖̕͜͟͝

He looked around, but nowhere was Avlia to be seen. Suddenly, everybody on the tree heard Avlia’s last words:

Insert contrived quote here, followed by reaction GIF and discourse over the correct meme format to forget the horrors just witnessed.

“There will forever on be a fog around this tree, and whenever you see it, think about the girl you bewitched because of love.”

So… what was the point of this? To ward off against love? To express a dream gone horribly wrong and improperly fictionalized?

I think I’m going to go cry in a corner now.


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