from the OTHER archives: Socks, Part 2

Welcome back to the second installment of this embarrassing as hell series! Amazingly enough, I didn’t cancel this entire endeavor. I really wanted to, but I’ve been running low on motivation to write and needed something to keep the blog going. So without further ado…

Once upon a time, there was a village. In this village, there was a woman who secretly lived with a dragon. They had a child, a dragongirl, named Riki. Her mom knew that dragons despised bonds like this, so she told Riki that the dragons were to be feared, not the humans.

I was going to put a bestiality joke here, but I’d prefer not to. Poor G, all alone in seventh grade and too pretentious to realize that her god wouldn’t give a damn if she followed the assignment guidelines. This was supposed to be a creation myth, and it failed desperately from the get-go.

Then came the day when the village elder learned of the strange bond, and send a decree saying that humans and dragons bonding was forbidden, and that anybody who did that would be killed.

Well, in the state of Minnesota, bestiality is a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in prison and a $3000 fine… I’m sorry you all had to read this. I was not in a sane mind when I wrote this- rather, I was hopped up on new teen angst from the new and scary experience of junior high. Not to mention the terms are even more vague than YouTube’s terms of service: what exactly is meant by “bonding”? Is a deep friendship outlawed now?

Well, the dragons were angered by this, because now if a dragon went near the village, would be pelted with torches and stones! So, they declared war on the humans. At sundown, a small army of dragons, led by Fyce, the dragon of battle, attacked the village. They won. Fyce got to take Riki.

Imagine, if you will, a t-shirt from a gift shop in the village: “I beat up a bunch of puny humans and asserted my superiority, and all I got was a shirt that didn’t fit me and a whiny little girl.” Not satisfying at all, although I would imagine that having a name only a few letters away from “feces” dampened the pride in the victory even further.

For the next 5 years, Fyce trained Riki to fight for the dragons. But no amount of punching bags could undo what Riki’s mom had told her.
3 months later, the ambush siren wailed as bounty hunters tried to attack the dragons and get back Riki. They were soon toast.

Now imagine another t-shirt from the same gift shop: “I love brainwashing! especially when it’s done by my parents!” G, you really didn’t have much self-awareness, did you?

A week later, there was a meeting at the dragon elder’s cave. “We must finish off the humans,” he said. All of the other dragons agreed, except that they wanted to know where they would finish them off. “The moon. We will teleport.” “Wait!” Riki wailed, as she flew above the elder. “The humans aren’t evil! Mom told me so! Instead of trying to destroy them, why don’t we work with them?” “Too late for that, Miss Riki,” Fyce said.

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“I knew you would rebel, you being half human yourself!” Fyce pulled out a small cubed device and threw it at Riki’s head. It secured itself to the back of her head as she fell to the ground. Then Riki stood up, emotionless and still. “You will obey me, Riki, or I will force you to,” Fyce said. All Riki said was, “Yes, Master,” in a monotonous voice.

PARAGRAPH BREAKS PARAGRAPH BREAKS PARAGRAPH BREAKS

Where am I, Riki thought. The last thing I remember is falling.

The last thing I remember is having a mental breakdown due to the messiness of that last paragraph. Oh, and the fact that I’m now half done. It will feel glorious when I’m done and can forget about this crap of a story forever.

Then Riki saw Earth, a blue marble against the black sky, and realised that she was the last possible place she wanted to be at. She flew towards the dark side of the moon, fast but not fast enough for the humans to capture her, bring her back to Earth, imprison her, and place her in a drug-induced coma so that she wouldn’t try to resist.

First off, “realised” is spelled wrong: it’s “realized”. Also, why is she on the moon? And why are there humans there as well? How is she moving so quickly if there’s no oxygen for her to be consuming? She should be dead by now!

I… I just want to be done. Shoot me now.

While Riki was in this coma, her mom told her, inside of her head, that the dragons were trying to take over the world, and if they couldn’t do that, they would destroy it.

That feeling when commas are being abused in front of your face and you are powerless to stop it because the assignment was due almost four years ago.

When Riki woke up, she was in an operating room. A doctor, a surgeon, and her mom were standing in the entrance.

So wait… we’re in a hospital now? When did this happen? Was something shittily written in order to obfuscate the events that were happening?

“Riki,” the doctor said, “we have something to tell you. You already know that you are half human, half dragon. Well, apparently, the reason that you are the last dragongirl is that after the age of 14, the cells shake off their moorings. Then they die. we don’t want you to die. You are very valuable. So, you have a choice. You can either let us take out your dragon DNA, or you die. What’ll it be?”

Of course they need to do surgery. Of course. Warning: that’ll be a plot copout used over and over and over throughout this book and into the rest of the trilogy. Don’t know what to write next? Someone’s going under the knife! And it’ll get even worse when we reach into the Y47 blog!

The doctor coughed. From Riki came a muffled agreement. “Surgeon, give her some heavy anesthetic. She’ll definitely need to be knocked out for this one.”

At least The Phobia Interim (so far as it’s written) does a much better job at paragraph breaks. And also plotting: sure, there’s going to be some operations since a lot of it takes place in a medical setting… but the entire plot doesn’t revolve around people being cut up.

And then 12 years pass between this and then.

Ladies and gentlemen, G has officially given up at writing. She has seen the light. She has become self-aware. Riki is dead. Everyone lives in peace. The rest of the book fails to happen. G never makes any sort of social media and is thankful to herself when she becomes the privacy-paranoid Vane that we know her as today.

I can dream.

“Mom, I’m cold,” Ellie, Riki’s daughter said. The cold of Antarctica is not easy to deal with, which is why Riki was now blowing softly on her daughter while cuddling her. “Ellie, want me to tell you a story?”

Someone call the SWAT team! She’s spawned a child! That means that the book must go on… four pages is something for the realm of elementary school writing.

“Mommy, I’m cold. Could you get me a blanket?”

“Don’t be daft, daughter. Why would I get up off this chair and maybe move us to somewhere not so cold and isolated as ANTARCTICA when I can just eject germ-laden breath from my mouth?”

“…Mommy, you’re disgusting.”

So Riki told Ellie about her life, and Ellie passed on the story. And now it has made it to you.

Forget saving up money for a breast binder- I would gladly have paid money for this story to never exist, to have never stained my eyes with all this cancer- alone and forgotten in the bottom of my recent Google activity.

Actually, I’m joking. Now I can delete this document and move on with my life, and maybe I’ll get the binder by Halloween. Tune in next time for the real reason we’re here: one whiny and angst-laden teenager and the million three-word blog posts they launched…

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