Hello, readers! At the time of writing this, I screwed around with Pokemon GO for a significant part of my day and learned a very valuable lesson about carrying a waterbottle with you if you’re going to be outside for three hours. Tomorrow (today if scheduling posts doesn’t crash on me) I’m going to blow my only lure module (I’m not spending money on this game) on resting at a local park and see how many desperate teenagers and prepubescent Minecraft players borrowing one of their parent’s phones show up. There will be much poetry written while waiting for items to regenerate, and it’s going to be great! But for now, let’s settle in for some old-fashioned cringe that I found while organizing my files for The Samhain Files. (Coming to an internet bookshelf near you in August!)
1 A little bit of backstory here: when I was in elementary school, my friends and I had a cringefest of a time using Google Drive to make games because none of us had any skills in HTML or making a decent game. We stole a lot of art from DeviantArt, wasted time on harassing each other to play by the rules, and otherwise wasted time that could have been spent fighting the childhood obesity epidemic. (I’ve lost almost thirty pounds this year!) This particular game was called TMR, or “Terror Monster Raising” and was made by a former friend and last edited in 2013. The whole “terror” thing is a story for another day.
And if you haven’t already, put this video on play and let the cringe wash over you as you read. Absorb into the collective. Nobody is safe anymore.

4 Behold, clip art scraped off of Google without credit given. Not that they would have gotten any extra traffic from the credit anyways; these games were mostly confined to the two friends I had that went to that school. Former friends, I should add. One would go on to accuse me of being a douchebag two years later, and the other I would slowly drop away from after I dated her friend and the relationship crashed and burned. But that’s not why we’re here.
6 Yes, because that can’t be exploited at all. 10/10 for the game developing. This truly blows Depression Quest straight out of the water. I mean, they’re both shoddily built and utter crap, but this really takes the cake.
8 What’s to stop me from minutely editing my coin count over several days? In fact, what’s keeping me from griefing this whole game and nuking it into oblivion? It’s not like anybody pays attention to the files on their SCHOOL ACCOUNTS anymore. In fact, this is the reason why I made my Google account back in, what, fifth grade? through the magic of lying about your age. COPPA can’t stop me, and neither can the school admins now, because I do everything outside of the organization’s oversight.
10 Much imagination. Very unique. I can’t possibly see what generic game you ripped these off of.
11 Dammit, just admit that there’s interspecies relationships going on and get over it!
“But mah child-friendly-”
No, shut up. It’s a stupid game. It can be whatever the players want it to be. Also, one more point of potential exploiation. I haven’t been on here since 2013. Does that mean that everything’s dead? Can I finally wake up from this nightmare?
13 I… I have no words for this, other than those used to denote that I have no words with which to express myself.
20 Here was my page on this accursed game. Imagine that there is a flashing sparkly GIF of a dragon because I cannot be bothered to make the animation work. Also notice how “hygiene” is misspelled.
22 This was my other page. I just… no. No more, please. I am begging you. I’m quitting. I can’t take the cringe anymore.




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