from the archives: in search of a binder

(Hello there, fellow MayVaneDay fans! It’s been one year since I created this blog and published my first post. Since then, it’s gone from a place where I essentially pretended to be somebody else into a playground of sorts for poetry and planting new writing ideas and hoping that something useful will come up. I hope you have a nice day, and here is one of the few posts from my old blog that still hold up.)

(Over a year ago, back on my old blog, there was a transgender male character named Evan. He was a token character as I was nowhere near the writing skill back then as I am now, and he mostly moped around all day complaining about his dysphoria. But there was one gem that came from his pitiful existence, and this poem was it.)

I think I am a boy
at least I thought I was a boy
I was sure of what I was
everyone here keeps calling me a girl because I have breasts
so what if I have breasts
I am still a boy
that one day
when they took that elastic and bound me
it didn’t feel like bondage
it felt like freedom
the one day that they accepted me
most don’t anymore
“no, Evan, you’re a girl,” they say
“you were born a girl, and you’re always going to be one”
there was a girl once
she used to be a boy
she was around the same age I was
she killed herself because they didn’t accept her
something similar has happened here
but it wasn’t me who tried to
it was my sister
she was driven insane by the conditions here
she wanted to be free
far far away from here
don’t we all
people don’t seem to get it
suicide is not the answer
my sister is still alive
thank you, powers that be, for keeping her safe
there’s still so much to see
when we get out of here, sister, I promise to show you
the few beautiful places left in this world that humans haven’t corrupted yet
and the science teacher from ninth grade has it wrong
you can’t just off yourself when things get bad
you have to keep living
keep breathing
I know there’s a binder
somewhere around here
because before I can free others
I have to free myself

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