RANT FRIDAY: how to get famous on the internet (talentless edition)

Whew! When’s the last time I’ve done a RANT FRIDAY, anyways? It’s been a long day here, what with studying for an upcoming Spanish test, and I think I’ve been sufficiently pissed off by the internet and the results of my research for another RANT FRIDAY planned for sometime in the future in order to give voice to a post that came into my head while in the shower. So here goes, and I hope that this doesn’t get misinterpreted by people who take everything seriously.

How To Get Rich And “Famous” On The Internet (Talent Not Required)

  1. Be someone of the male persuasion so that you can exploit hormonal fangirls into doing your will. If you’re not a male, pretend that you are one or transitioning into one in order to shit all over the actually legitimate transgender community (that actually was not sarcasm as gender dysphoria is a real thing) and be taken seriously. Bonus points if you’re actually female and are making up a gender that’s masculine but is something like “demiboy” so that you can be a misandrist at the same time without feeling bad. Not that you would have felt bad, anyways, as you will soon find it incredibly easy to turn your conscience on and off at will.
  2. Get into identity politics so deeply that you become whatever you identify as instead of a separate human being with dreams, thoughts, and goals of your own. In fact, get so deep in that everything you do has to do with these identities, and then turn around and shriek something about how much you hate gender roles when you’re in fact perpetrating them.
  3. Join Tumblr. Everybody loves them some good hivemind mixed with the occasional accidentally followed adult blog! Especially when the hivemind comes with a few fandoms that it’s absorbed completely into it so that the two have become synonymous! Hooray for echo chambers! Bonus points if you pretend to be an otherkin of one of the characters and harass everybody else who chose to be kin with that character!
  4. After you’ve severed all good familial ties with how much you’ve been spending on the internet with all your new “friends”, start up a YouTube channel where all you do is complain about how everybody around you is a ton of -ists because they were born with “privilege” of some sort even though they haven’t actually done anything wrong. Never mind that the problem rests with you and how you’ve disconnected from reality. Everybody is totally brainwashed and you’re the one that knows the answers to life, the universe, and everything!
  5. If you disregarded steps 2-4, go ahead and also start up a YouTube channel, but this time, only talk about controversial topics that you know will be inflammatory, incorrect as you don’t know enough about the subject but are on a video schedule and your deadline is coming up, or both. For starters, you could parrot mindless rhetoric about how parents who circumcise their baby boys are monsters, even though the Mayo Clinic begs to differ and has a scientific explanation for how it actually benefits males. You could also strawmen both Christians and atheists and make both groups look stupid, or say something about how all straight cisgender males apparently deserve to die for an unsubstantiated reason.
  6. Then, after you’ve collected a loyal following of teenage girls who are either looking for another “celebrity” to add to their ever-lengthening list of people who acknowledge their existence or have been taken in by your erroneous (as they don’t have the life experience to know that you’re wrong and exploiting them) logic, you’ll start monetizing your videos so that every person who watches them, whether a loyal fan or someone looking for sources for your inevitable callout post, makes you more money. That money will soon start overflowing to the point where you can buy two houses and line every surface of your house with money!
  7. When your videos start slumping in daily views, make a mediocre music album that consists of screeching about an ex-girlfriend while playing the same chord over and over on your shoddy guitar that you probably just rented from the school. Make a video with you in tears over how you have no money to pay the bills, wipe your eyes with $100 bills, and then ask your fanbase to buy said shoddy album. They will, of course, having made an emotional bond with you somehow and not having the expertise to tell between genuinely good music and crappy products of the internet age. Bonus points if you make a Patreon or equivalent crowdfunding account and people donate to you without getting anything out of it for themselves!
  8. So there you have it, folks, a nice little guide to becoming a social justice youtuber becoming Onision becoming famous without ever actually doing something beneficial for the world! Hope it helped in your plans to getting a relatively easy ride to fame infamy!

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2 thoughts on “RANT FRIDAY: how to get famous on the internet (talentless edition)

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